Love the poem. It’s hard as a creative because we create from a vulnerable, inner place, but then we release it to an external audience. I try to remember that I am driven to create meaning for myself. The rest is gravy.
Love this sentiment. Love Dr. Becky and love you. I totally get it. If I say something and no one applauds it as genius I just say it over and over until someone gives me a pat on the back for it. Looking at the like button is definitely compulsive and addicting.
Very late to this party, but following on from what others have said in response to this letter and the beautiful accompanying poem, Mary, I want to say how valuable I find that reframe, particularly in relation to our children.
I'm not sure how well I always succeed at staying curious about their experience of something over labelling it one thing or another. I try to focus our discussion on enjoyment rather than success, but found myself last night in a conversation for which this was in no way an appropriate response. Hmmm. We are all learning all the time.
And in relation to ourselves, too. That urge towards validation by way of (hollow?) distractions we've been speaking of recently proves that we still need to keep speaking on this!
This is so lovely Mary, thank you for sharing. I see myself in this, for sure, often forgetting to ask myself these questions, instead reverting to the well practised mindset of my 5, 9, 13, 27 year old self, always looking for the gold stars to prove her self worth.
Thank you for this beautiful, thought provoking post.
The need for some level of external validation is normal. I think that the large social media platforms have led us to seek too much external validation, and like addicts we need ever increasing likes to feed our addiction. If you can have a small circle of people that understand and appreciate your writing, your art, your music, who really get what you are trying to express, it is enough, on a personal level. When we try too hard to monetize it, we get very frustrated.
I would really love to know more about what it means to you and what you think it means. Liz Gilbert says in Big Magic that when we make something and release it into the world, it becomes something beyond us, in a way.
Thanks for asking about what it means to me. I'm not sure about what it means to me, but the flapping of wings, and the trying to make them out and trying to let them out is really important to me. The wings/flight/captivity analogy is so helpful! Thank you for that!
The "we can barely just make out" is something I feel a lot and it has to do with the ambiguity in language and a concern for accuracy. My concern for accuracy is not a snobbish or rigid thing, it's just that I'm actually trying to get at the truth and represent it clearly. Sometimes I hesitate because I can't find words that feel right. I often qualify my statements with "I'm not quite sure this is how I want to describe this" or "not quite sure this is the best word" etc. A friend of mine once said, "just start talking, we'll figure out what you mean by talking" which stopped me in my tracks (literally, we were walking, and metaphorically in my mind).
This post and your beautiful, empowering poem reminded me of these snippets:
"For me, language is a freedom. As soon as you have found the words with which to express something, you are no longer incoherent, you are no longer trapped by your own emotions, by your own experiences; you can describe them, you can tell them, you can bring them out of yourself and give them to somebody else. That is an enormously liberating experience, and it worries me that more and more people are learning not to use language; they’re giving in to the banalities of the television media and shrinking their vocabulary, shrinking their own way of using this fabulous tool that human beings have refined over so many centuries into this extremely sensitive instrument. I don’t want to make it crude, I don’t want to make it into shopping-list language, I don’t want to make it into simply an exchange of information: I want to make it into the subtle, emotional, intellectual, freeing thing that it is and that it can be." -- Jeanette Winterson
"It's easy to repeat. It's hard to speak." -- Babel 17
"Ron’s muscles, she thought, were living cords that snapped and sang out their messages. On this man, muscles were shields to hold the world out, the man in. And something inside was leaping up again and again, striking the shield from behind. The scored belly shifted, the chest contracted over a let breath; the brow smoothed, then creased again." -- Babel 17. The context here is that Ron lacked enough language to speak himself, and was angry as a result. I loved the description of how that can feel as something trying to leap up (like wings flapping) and striking the shield from behind.
Thanks again for this post and what you're doing here!
Thanks for reading and restacking Casie. This was my second post ever and it is about getting quiet enough to listen to the voice within, rather than looking outward for reassurance or praise. I think sometimes it is hard to speak the truth, but it also sets us free. So in this poem, I compared the truth to birds about to take flight, which I’m glad you pointed out because my post just last Sunday was about taking a creative leap and about birds being brave enough to leave the nest. It includes a sweet video at the end of a baby bird flying for the first time. I guess I really like birds.
Ugh. SM is like drinking from a fire hose. I try to use it by peeking in and getting what makes sense for me in that moment. And the minute it doesn’t, I’m out.
I love this post because there’s so much to be said about self love, self acceptance (I kinda feel like these guys are intertwined most days) and balancing those things with everything the world throws at you on any given day. But taking a moment to self reflect on it all is never a bad thing. Thank you for helping me do that!
Loving the weekly check-in, thoughtful prompt, reading your words, and seeing your vistas. Re: seeking validation from others...Be wary. A camel is a horse designed by committee, and sometimes people just make your horse really wonky.
Instead of sharing how amazing your poem was, I guess I will say, “what do you think?” This encouragement and reminder for self-reflection for ourselves and for our kids is such an important learning process yet many times difficult especially when they are doing such brave and amazing things! Would love to see Anna’s open mic...I know she was totally amazing but hoping more importantly that she thought she was pretty darn awesome:)
Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading. In terms of my poem, I really like the line about the flapping wings and the words rising within. I got lots of feedback on this one, and some it was conflicting. I like how the poem came out, but it doesn't feel quite finished yet especially because I like certain parts of it more than others. I think Anna felt really good about her performance. She was so poised. It's been interesting. I've been really conscious this week of posing that question in all my interactions asking rather than jumping to my own conclusions. I'll let you know if Seabass is able to help me turn the five minute video into something that can be shared.
Great read Mary! It’s hard to not get pulled into the likes and comments but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is sharing something you care deeply about and potentially inspiring someone in the process :)
I too struggle with the comparison traps of social media, but I also love how the online space can offer community and connection. The hard part is finding the balance. I recently read Jenny Odell's book, How to do Nothing, which inspired me to set some timers on my social media apps and to be more mindful of what I consume online and why I am drawn to it. Like your poem so beautifully questions, we inherently have value regardless of whether or not others mirror it back to us, but we still long for that reflected acknowledgement.
It’s important to know that our value doesn’t lie in what others think, but it’s also nice to feel seen. I think it’s nuanced as most things are. I am also trying to create some rules and boundaries as I navigate this new and exciting space. I turned my phone off earlier today and left it off all day. I will do the same shortly. I think I’m going to purchase an old fashioned alarm so I’m not relying on my phone to wake me up. Thanks for sharing a book rec especially one that encourages mindfulness.
Thanks for joining the conversation. I'm so glad you found me here. I also find double speed baffling, and yet it is much less of a threat for someone like me. There's no way I will ever listen to something at double speed because it would drive me insane. But...I will check to see if anyone has responded to comments I've made on Substack, or to see if folks have texted me back...I struggle with carrying this phone around. I struggle with what it means to be truly present not just with others but with myself. I loved your most recent Salted post, by the way, "What if We Just Don't?" and the reminder that we need to say no to things in order to say yes.
Love the poem. It’s hard as a creative because we create from a vulnerable, inner place, but then we release it to an external audience. I try to remember that I am driven to create meaning for myself. The rest is gravy.
Love the reframe of creating meaning for ourselves
Love this sentiment. Love Dr. Becky and love you. I totally get it. If I say something and no one applauds it as genius I just say it over and over until someone gives me a pat on the back for it. Looking at the like button is definitely compulsive and addicting.
Love you too! Thanks for being in this space and joining the conversation. It made my heart leap about all these beautiful voices coming together.
Very late to this party, but following on from what others have said in response to this letter and the beautiful accompanying poem, Mary, I want to say how valuable I find that reframe, particularly in relation to our children.
I'm not sure how well I always succeed at staying curious about their experience of something over labelling it one thing or another. I try to focus our discussion on enjoyment rather than success, but found myself last night in a conversation for which this was in no way an appropriate response. Hmmm. We are all learning all the time.
And in relation to ourselves, too. That urge towards validation by way of (hollow?) distractions we've been speaking of recently proves that we still need to keep speaking on this!
Learning all the time!
This is so lovely Mary, thank you for sharing. I see myself in this, for sure, often forgetting to ask myself these questions, instead reverting to the well practised mindset of my 5, 9, 13, 27 year old self, always looking for the gold stars to prove her self worth.
Thanks for reading! We all want gold stars, I think but it’s when we confuse them with our worth that it gets sticky.
Thank you for this beautiful, thought provoking post.
The need for some level of external validation is normal. I think that the large social media platforms have led us to seek too much external validation, and like addicts we need ever increasing likes to feed our addiction. If you can have a small circle of people that understand and appreciate your writing, your art, your music, who really get what you are trying to express, it is enough, on a personal level. When we try too hard to monetize it, we get very frustrated.
Wise words
Hi! Thank you for this post and for sharing this poem. It's such a helpful reflection. I am curious about the last few lines of the poem:
"we can just barely make out
the flapping of wings
the words rising within
Our truth does not depend on their captivity
but rather on their flight"
Can you say more about captivity/flight relationship in the context of this poem?
I would really love to know more about what it means to you and what you think it means. Liz Gilbert says in Big Magic that when we make something and release it into the world, it becomes something beyond us, in a way.
Thanks for asking about what it means to me. I'm not sure about what it means to me, but the flapping of wings, and the trying to make them out and trying to let them out is really important to me. The wings/flight/captivity analogy is so helpful! Thank you for that!
The "we can barely just make out" is something I feel a lot and it has to do with the ambiguity in language and a concern for accuracy. My concern for accuracy is not a snobbish or rigid thing, it's just that I'm actually trying to get at the truth and represent it clearly. Sometimes I hesitate because I can't find words that feel right. I often qualify my statements with "I'm not quite sure this is how I want to describe this" or "not quite sure this is the best word" etc. A friend of mine once said, "just start talking, we'll figure out what you mean by talking" which stopped me in my tracks (literally, we were walking, and metaphorically in my mind).
This post and your beautiful, empowering poem reminded me of these snippets:
"For me, language is a freedom. As soon as you have found the words with which to express something, you are no longer incoherent, you are no longer trapped by your own emotions, by your own experiences; you can describe them, you can tell them, you can bring them out of yourself and give them to somebody else. That is an enormously liberating experience, and it worries me that more and more people are learning not to use language; they’re giving in to the banalities of the television media and shrinking their vocabulary, shrinking their own way of using this fabulous tool that human beings have refined over so many centuries into this extremely sensitive instrument. I don’t want to make it crude, I don’t want to make it into shopping-list language, I don’t want to make it into simply an exchange of information: I want to make it into the subtle, emotional, intellectual, freeing thing that it is and that it can be." -- Jeanette Winterson
"It's easy to repeat. It's hard to speak." -- Babel 17
"Ron’s muscles, she thought, were living cords that snapped and sang out their messages. On this man, muscles were shields to hold the world out, the man in. And something inside was leaping up again and again, striking the shield from behind. The scored belly shifted, the chest contracted over a let breath; the brow smoothed, then creased again." -- Babel 17. The context here is that Ron lacked enough language to speak himself, and was angry as a result. I loved the description of how that can feel as something trying to leap up (like wings flapping) and striking the shield from behind.
Thanks again for this post and what you're doing here!
Thanks for reading and restacking Casie. This was my second post ever and it is about getting quiet enough to listen to the voice within, rather than looking outward for reassurance or praise. I think sometimes it is hard to speak the truth, but it also sets us free. So in this poem, I compared the truth to birds about to take flight, which I’m glad you pointed out because my post just last Sunday was about taking a creative leap and about birds being brave enough to leave the nest. It includes a sweet video at the end of a baby bird flying for the first time. I guess I really like birds.
Ugh. SM is like drinking from a fire hose. I try to use it by peeking in and getting what makes sense for me in that moment. And the minute it doesn’t, I’m out.
I love this post because there’s so much to be said about self love, self acceptance (I kinda feel like these guys are intertwined most days) and balancing those things with everything the world throws at you on any given day. But taking a moment to self reflect on it all is never a bad thing. Thank you for helping me do that!
Thanks for reading Tam. 🤗
Loving the weekly check-in, thoughtful prompt, reading your words, and seeing your vistas. Re: seeking validation from others...Be wary. A camel is a horse designed by committee, and sometimes people just make your horse really wonky.
Instead of sharing how amazing your poem was, I guess I will say, “what do you think?” This encouragement and reminder for self-reflection for ourselves and for our kids is such an important learning process yet many times difficult especially when they are doing such brave and amazing things! Would love to see Anna’s open mic...I know she was totally amazing but hoping more importantly that she thought she was pretty darn awesome:)
Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading. In terms of my poem, I really like the line about the flapping wings and the words rising within. I got lots of feedback on this one, and some it was conflicting. I like how the poem came out, but it doesn't feel quite finished yet especially because I like certain parts of it more than others. I think Anna felt really good about her performance. She was so poised. It's been interesting. I've been really conscious this week of posing that question in all my interactions asking rather than jumping to my own conclusions. I'll let you know if Seabass is able to help me turn the five minute video into something that can be shared.
Great read Mary! It’s hard to not get pulled into the likes and comments but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is sharing something you care deeply about and potentially inspiring someone in the process :)
I too struggle with the comparison traps of social media, but I also love how the online space can offer community and connection. The hard part is finding the balance. I recently read Jenny Odell's book, How to do Nothing, which inspired me to set some timers on my social media apps and to be more mindful of what I consume online and why I am drawn to it. Like your poem so beautifully questions, we inherently have value regardless of whether or not others mirror it back to us, but we still long for that reflected acknowledgement.
It’s important to know that our value doesn’t lie in what others think, but it’s also nice to feel seen. I think it’s nuanced as most things are. I am also trying to create some rules and boundaries as I navigate this new and exciting space. I turned my phone off earlier today and left it off all day. I will do the same shortly. I think I’m going to purchase an old fashioned alarm so I’m not relying on my phone to wake me up. Thanks for sharing a book rec especially one that encourages mindfulness.
I had to look that one up. Good stuff! Thanks for reading friend. 🤗
Hi Luisa,
Thanks for joining the conversation. I'm so glad you found me here. I also find double speed baffling, and yet it is much less of a threat for someone like me. There's no way I will ever listen to something at double speed because it would drive me insane. But...I will check to see if anyone has responded to comments I've made on Substack, or to see if folks have texted me back...I struggle with carrying this phone around. I struggle with what it means to be truly present not just with others but with myself. I loved your most recent Salted post, by the way, "What if We Just Don't?" and the reminder that we need to say no to things in order to say yes.