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It is Christmas Eve. Today my family celebrates the feast of the seven fishes. This Italian American tradition dates back to the 1900’s. It originated from the desire of many Italian immigrants to establish belonging in a foreign place. In our family, it is not so different. We will be far from some of our family this season, but we will cook at least seven different types of fish, and we will eat, laugh and remember who we are. It will be a day for bacon wrapped scallops, fried calamari and family.
Tomorrow, we will exchange gifts. I want to take a moment and thank each and every one of you for the gift you have given me by being a part of this community. Whether you are a paid subscriber, a weekly reader or someone who pops in from time to time, I appreciate you.
To close out the year, I have compiled a list of my favorite things from 2023. I don’t know what your favorite Christmas movie is, but I like to watch The Sound of Music at Christmastime. In The Sound of Music, when the storm rages outside, the children come to Maria for comfort, and she sings to them. “When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad.” I have always loved this song. It reminds me that while we can’t choose our circumstances, we can choose where we focus our attention.
Evolution has hardwired us for negativity. Being aware of threats was necessary and lifesaving, but this way of viewing the world is out of whack with our current reality. Because of our negativity bias, we are more affected by bad things than good things. Because we pay more attention to the bad stuff, it sometimes feels like that stuff is more important. There is good news, though. We don’t have to get trapped in the negativity bias. Tara Brach, meditation teacher and psychologist, teaches that we can rewire our brain. Tara has a happiness hack that I have been trying to incorporate into my daily life. Each day, I identify three things that I am grateful for, a way that I have served others and something I have savored. The gratitude is easy, but the service and savoring take more effort. I will speak more about service in the new year. Today, I’m going to focus on savoring. To savor a moment, Tara says, is “radical and transformative.” In her talk, “Rewiring for Happiness and Freedom,” she suggests pausing each day to savor something in your life. To do this, you must stop and breathe in the moment for five breaths. This small act which takes 15 seconds is a way to “pause on the good” and rewire our brains to prioritize the positive.
Here is a short list of my favorite things from 2023. “When the dog bites,” or in my case, when the dog eats several cherished ornaments off the tree, and then vomits all over the house and in our bed, “I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad.”
1. Weekly walks
My friend Jamie and I started walking together every week. Jamie and I both have teenagers at home. Our kids and our husbands are friends, which is a gift in itself, but coordinating eight schedules, especially when four of those schedules are teenage schedules, is hard. By setting aside time to walk together, Jamie and I carve out space for ourselves and our friendship, outside of the needs of our families.
On our walks, we talk and listen to each other. Sometimes, we bear silent witness to the nature around us.
A few weeks ago, we came across this heron. On one of our walks, we noticed gorgeous spiderwebs.
Often, we stop to look at birds’ nests.
We walk in wind, rain, snow, sleet, hail and when we are lucky sun. We walk side by side, at the same time every week, circling the same route. I find comfort in our ritual. I don’t always feel the same way every week. Sometimes I feel great, and sometimes I feel awful. Regardless of how I feel, I show up, and regardless of how I show up, Jamie loves me. Our walks remind me that I have a safe place to land, a place where I don’t have to be anything but who I am. Recently, after one of our walks, Jamie shared James Crews’ poem “Phone Call” with me. “The voice of my oldest friend” is “like a steady flame I (can) carry in my pocket and keep with me for the rest of the blustery December day.” I savor my walks with Jamie, and then I tuck her words and our walks in my pocket as I move through my week.
2. Stone massages
I haven’t been this excited about pampering since I discovered pedicures. Stone massages, oh my goodness, stone massages. Have you tried stone massages? I had my first stone massage when Dan and I were in Palm Springs. I have committed to treating myself to stone massages in 2024. Let’s face it. It’s going to be a year when we are going to need something, and stone massages feel safer than hard drugs. I found a place locally where I can get a stone massage. It costs half the price it did in Palm Springs so that is a plus.
My first appointment is on a cold, snowy day, but the room is warm. The mat that I lay on is heated, and the masseuse places a warm blanket over me. It is rare that I feel this way, but I am almost a little too warm. I don’t want to say anything, though. Amy Krouse Rosenthal speaks of this phenomenon in An Encyclopedia of An Ordinary Life. “If I’m getting a massage and the massage therapist happens to be applying too much pressure, I find it nearly impossible to tell her that it’s too hard, even if I’m in a great deal of pain. What, like this would really devastate her in some way?” I am in a similar position. I am suffocating, but I don’t want to appear ungrateful. The masseuse, though, after telling me to turn on my back asks how my temperature is, and it occurs to me that the world would be a much better place if people asked this question more often. “How’s your temperature?” I tell her the truth, that I’m actually a little hot, and she says no problem. She asks if I want to discard the heavy blanket, and I say yes, and she puts a cool compress on my eyes. It is a moment of simply having my needs met, and it feels so good.
3. Zumba.
Did you know that Zumba started as an accident, when fitness instructor Alberto Perez, accidentally left his aerobics music at home? He used his own music instead. I love that Zumba started from a mistake, from letting go and winging it. I discovered Zumba at the Y. I had preconceived notions of what it would be like, but I let them go and tried it anyway. In my Zumba class, I reclaim the joy of moving my body, and so does everyone else in the room. Zumba is for everyone. There is an 85-year-old man in the class who wears workout gear that says Zumba in at least five places. There are also several young college kids who crack up laughing every class. There is another woman who brings her own scarves to accentuate her dance movies. The scarves also happen to say Zumba. I took my mom, who just turned 70, when she came to visit. She is the one who told me the story of Alberto Perez. In Zumba class, our instructor makes us do an awkward high five dance, which everyone kind of hates because we have to high five each other and look into each other’s eyes, and it is hella awkward, but it makes us laugh. The dancing, the laughter, the eye contact…These small acts build community. We start to care about each other. In Zumba, we are not just dancing, we are cha cha-ing into each other’s hearts.
4. A Writing Life
My writing has been important to me for many years, but this year it took flight. This year, I started going on solo writing retreats. I would head to our lake cabin for the weekend, leaving my family behind, and taking Cato with me for company. Cato and I hiked, cooked and listened to music. She kept me company while I wrote. These weekends returned me to myself, reminding me that I liked myself and that I enjoyed my own company. They reminded me of the importance of carving out space for myself and my writing.
Another thing I did for my writing life this year was to meet weekly with two other writers. This small writing circle fueled my writing as I had to show up each week with material. It also helped me shed some shame as in these circles I read some of my stories, and once again, I experienced a safe place to land. When you share your story with others and they share theirs, it is transformative both for yourself and for your relationship with the people you are sharing with. Deep friendships formed. My writing group is its own little community. We are each other’s cheerleaders. We know how to savor. We celebrate everything.
5. Substack
I started my Substack on one of my writing retreats. My weekly pockets are a way for me to write into the life I want to live. My pockets connect me with loved ones and reconnect me with old friends. My pockets have helped me make new friends. I have noticed recently that a lot of shade is being thrown on online friendships. This confuses me a little. I know online friendships and communities can’t replace in person experiences, like my weekly walks with Jamie, my writing group meetings or my Zumba classes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t savor the relationships I have formed with people online, people who are also trying to stop and take in their lives, people who love writing and reading as much as I do, people who are trying to create community. To thank Substack and savor my experience here, I am going to share some of my favorite posts from this past year. Enjoy them during the week between if you like, or maybe don’t read them at all. Maybe go find yourself a Zumba class, or a hot stone massage, or whatever your equivalent of a joy inducing activity is. Maybe take a walk with a friend and notice the birds’ nests. Whatever you do, I hope you find time to pause and savor the good.
I would love to continue this conversation in the comments. What are some of your favorite things from 2023?
My favorite Substack posts of 2023
Culture Study by Anne Helen Peterson. “You can only write at the speed of your own self-awareness.” Laurel Braitman on writing loss & self.
This interview blew my mind. I did not know before this that high achievement was a response to trauma. It also caused me to read Laurel’s books, which was one of the best books I read all year.
Oldster Magazine by Sari Botton. “This is 54: Author Elizabeth Gilbert Responds to The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire”
So much wisdom and freedom in this interview. For example, when Liz Gilbert says, “I love that I have learned how to say no to people, and to understand that they will survive their disappointment, just as I can survive my disappointment when people say no to me.” So good!
Things That Don’t Suck by Andrea Gibson. “What Love Is”
Andrea reads from their book, You Better Be Lightning. I am so moved by this poem and Andrea’s voice, I play their reading for my whole family over dinner.
My Sweet Dumb Brain by Katie Hawkins Gear. “You Don’t Have to Open This”
If you ever feel guilty for not reading my pockets, read this, or don’t, but either way don’t feel guilty.
Fleeting Temples by Danusha Laméris. “The Give-Away Basket. Holding on. Letting Go.”
Gorgeous like most of what Danusha writes. I’ve also realized that while I’m writing a book on letting go, I’m still pretty terrible at it, so anything that speaks to this topic with wisdom appeals to me.
Here’s the heart to click if Pocketful of Prose is one of your favorite things.
Loved loved loved this post. I savor my friendship with you and to be able to read your work. I also love gratitude and gratitude lists, Laurrel Braitman and many of the other things you talk about. I can feel and breathe in all the love during this holiday season. So grateful for this today.