When it comes to parenting, I agree: "Control might be the greatest illusion." You've done such a great job of capturing the exquisite challenge of parenting teens--holding on loosely. How do we carry two seemingly contradictory truths--that they are (and are going to be) who they are no matter what we do AND what we do matters a great deal. The subtext--that everything you're doing is because you love them-- is so much more important than what is happening on the surface, but it's hard for them and us to see it when we're in the thick of three alarm struggles. But somewhere, they know. And they'll know it more later, when it's safer to. Keep fighting the good fight (and writing about it!) 💜
Parenting (especially teens) is a bit like baking brownies … you keep peaking in the oven, the edges look good, but the center is mushy … repeat,repeat, repeat… and “ding” they turn 25 or 28 or …. and you find them to be deliciously amazing!
Oh dear Mary I am feeling you immensely in my heart. I am mom to a 25 and 27 year old. They are drastically different in every way. I often felt my sanity (and my often heavy heart) would never see the light of day. Momming is hard work. But alas, one day you do wake up and realize that despite the difficulties and the pain, your kids just “get it.” It may not be the way we envisioned it or in the same manner that we wanted, because they are their own people. But they are listening. Sometimes it might take them longer, but they are. Hugs.
Such a good post Mary. I wish I would have had your writing to read when I was parenting my now grown adults. Especially liked your comment about control being the greatest illusion. Love your writing.
Just yes! Parenting is hard work and I always try to remember that the days go by slowly (when we’re waking them up and putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher at age 23!), but the years go so fast…where did those little ones go who used to love snuggling on the couch asking me to read every library book from our bursting bag go?!)…but then there’s that 23 year old snowblowing the driveway unasked and the 26 year old brings me his homemade almond pistachio cookies when we meet for a snowy walk. ❤️
My husband used to say that raising teenagers was like being nibbled to death by ducks. We bought a book called (and I'm serious about this) How to Handle Your Acting-Up Teenager and Other Self Help for Desperate Parents. That was in the early 80s. They grew into lovely, responsible, caring adults. It's a mystery, isn't it. Hang in there!
My pre-teens definitely don't wake up on time, save their money, or pick up their candy wrappers. One of them actively hates school (AND I'M A TEACHER!). This is all to say that I feel your writing so, so much.
Oh this spoke to me today! Thank you for writing this. My kids are younger, 8 & 10, but I had the same exact convo about being too sick for school but not sick enough for basketball practice this week. 🙋🏼♀️
When you write that you'd know how to parent kids like you, that has very much been my experience. I spent a lot of time wishing my kids would be more mature, better behaved, motivated, etc. It is a long, ongoing journey to realize that's just not who they are. One day I'll get there - in the meantime it is so helpful to read voices like yours!
Oh it just is a recipe for crazy, sometimes. I’m so glad this resonated with you Christine I’m just the right way. I don’t know if you listen to We Can Do Hard Things but Amanda spoke this past Thursday about trying to observe them sometimes rather than control them, be with them rather than feel responsible for everything. They also talked about letting go of thinking you are the center of everything as a mom which is a hard one in so many ways. Thank you for this comment. Keep being the amazing mom and person you are.
You capture the teen journey so well, with humor and love and all the angst wrapped together. The two things that got me through it all was to look at what they were doing, rather than what they weren't doing... and that do list was long and glowing, like the comments others give you about them. The other thing was reading a great book, it's wisdom being that the most important thing was to put your relationship above all else; that's what you want to come out with in the end, an intact relationship. My daughter was a slob and a terrible housemate. She even paid her brother $20 to do the dishes once, she hated it so much. She married a guy who doesn't mind doing all the cleaning and they're quite happy. Go figure.
Rule followers are not what the world needs right now!
Seriously!
I’m right there with you. (The Calm Parenting Podcast by Kirk Martin has helped me immensely to navigate these tricky teenage waters )
Oohh. That’s a new one for me. I’ll check it out. Thanks Katie!
Me too!
When it comes to parenting, I agree: "Control might be the greatest illusion." You've done such a great job of capturing the exquisite challenge of parenting teens--holding on loosely. How do we carry two seemingly contradictory truths--that they are (and are going to be) who they are no matter what we do AND what we do matters a great deal. The subtext--that everything you're doing is because you love them-- is so much more important than what is happening on the surface, but it's hard for them and us to see it when we're in the thick of three alarm struggles. But somewhere, they know. And they'll know it more later, when it's safer to. Keep fighting the good fight (and writing about it!) 💜
Yes, yes and yes to everything you say here. Oh, I feel so lucky that you read my work. 🥰
Nah, I'm the lucky one. 🙂
Parenting (especially teens) is a bit like baking brownies … you keep peaking in the oven, the edges look good, but the center is mushy … repeat,repeat, repeat… and “ding” they turn 25 or 28 or …. and you find them to be deliciously amazing!
Love the brownie metaphor Karen and the peaking in the oven. Thanks for reading!
Oh dear Mary I am feeling you immensely in my heart. I am mom to a 25 and 27 year old. They are drastically different in every way. I often felt my sanity (and my often heavy heart) would never see the light of day. Momming is hard work. But alas, one day you do wake up and realize that despite the difficulties and the pain, your kids just “get it.” It may not be the way we envisioned it or in the same manner that we wanted, because they are their own people. But they are listening. Sometimes it might take them longer, but they are. Hugs.
Beautiful comment Charlene. Thanks for the reading and for the hugs. So glad you are here.
From the outside, your family seems amazing to me!
They are amazing to me too, amazing from the inside out. ♥️
Love it! Thank you!!!
Awww. Thank you!
Such a good post Mary. I wish I would have had your writing to read when I was parenting my now grown adults. Especially liked your comment about control being the greatest illusion. Love your writing.
Thank you Judith!
Just yes! Parenting is hard work and I always try to remember that the days go by slowly (when we’re waking them up and putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher at age 23!), but the years go so fast…where did those little ones go who used to love snuggling on the couch asking me to read every library book from our bursting bag go?!)…but then there’s that 23 year old snowblowing the driveway unasked and the 26 year old brings me his homemade almond pistachio cookies when we meet for a snowy walk. ❤️
I want those pistachio almond cookies. ♥️ Yes, to all of this. Thanks so much for reading. I love your take on things.
My husband used to say that raising teenagers was like being nibbled to death by ducks. We bought a book called (and I'm serious about this) How to Handle Your Acting-Up Teenager and Other Self Help for Desperate Parents. That was in the early 80s. They grew into lovely, responsible, caring adults. It's a mystery, isn't it. Hang in there!
Desperate parents 😂 Love that! Thanks for sharing Verna!
Gosh I love your writing, Mary. So glad to have found you here.
🥰 I’m so glad too Kate. How kind! Thank you for reading and sharing. It means so much!
My pre-teens definitely don't wake up on time, save their money, or pick up their candy wrappers. One of them actively hates school (AND I'M A TEACHER!). This is all to say that I feel your writing so, so much.
School kind of sucks sometimes and I am a teacher. One of my kids hates reading. I also never really taught my kids how to save, so I feel you too! 😂
School does suck. So does getting up early. Our kids are right 🤣🤣🤣
I am so dreading 5 am tomorrow and it’s only 5 pm. 😂
Oh this spoke to me today! Thank you for writing this. My kids are younger, 8 & 10, but I had the same exact convo about being too sick for school but not sick enough for basketball practice this week. 🙋🏼♀️
When you write that you'd know how to parent kids like you, that has very much been my experience. I spent a lot of time wishing my kids would be more mature, better behaved, motivated, etc. It is a long, ongoing journey to realize that's just not who they are. One day I'll get there - in the meantime it is so helpful to read voices like yours!
Oh it just is a recipe for crazy, sometimes. I’m so glad this resonated with you Christine I’m just the right way. I don’t know if you listen to We Can Do Hard Things but Amanda spoke this past Thursday about trying to observe them sometimes rather than control them, be with them rather than feel responsible for everything. They also talked about letting go of thinking you are the center of everything as a mom which is a hard one in so many ways. Thank you for this comment. Keep being the amazing mom and person you are.
You capture the teen journey so well, with humor and love and all the angst wrapped together. The two things that got me through it all was to look at what they were doing, rather than what they weren't doing... and that do list was long and glowing, like the comments others give you about them. The other thing was reading a great book, it's wisdom being that the most important thing was to put your relationship above all else; that's what you want to come out with in the end, an intact relationship. My daughter was a slob and a terrible housemate. She even paid her brother $20 to do the dishes once, she hated it so much. She married a guy who doesn't mind doing all the cleaning and they're quite happy. Go figure.