Words I live by: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." Anne Lamott
Please tell Cato she doesn't have to eat shitty first drafts. Maybe if she iknows they are just drafts, not for publication, she'll stop eating them. lol
Dec 23, 2023·edited Dec 23, 2023Liked by Mary Hutto Fruchter
Indeed...WORDs TO LIVE BY. I've never heard of Anne Lamott...but that quote is brilliant. For 45 years I have read only non-fiction...memoirs being my first choice. If I get any hint of embroidery, or holding back facts by the author, I drop the book. Holding back facts can alter the entire story. I want the whole truth ... and nothing but the truth. In my own memoir (online) I wrote the unvarnished truth...which made several people very angry. However, without these participants bad behavior...there would have been no story.
Since I've read so many memoirs, I pay very close attention to news stories about fake memoirs. It is shocking how many writers have made up their stories out of whole cloth, only to be publicly humiliated by the their web of lies. Some of these "memoirs" were very famous.
I think that memoir is deep and true and can be heart-wrenching AND it doesn't have to include every single thing that happened to be that, just as you've expressed. There are things we can hold close to our hearts, things we don't have to share - right now or ever - and beyond that there are so many things that are unsayable, unnameable - that come through in the shadows and between the lines because that is the only way that they can come through.
As a former foster parent who hasn't written a lot about that yet myself, sending so much love and gentleness around the work you're doing. <3
Wow, Kathryn. What a good comment. Can I share this one? Love the And. Love the right now....love the coming through in the shadows. Thanks for your kindness. I didn’t know we had fostering in common and I’m glad I do now. Thanks for sharing.
I worked in group homes with foster kids and fell in love with one particular child so I became a foster parent with the intention of adopting him ... that didn't work out but I was a foster parent for several years.
I frequently think about doing it again. If I decide to have a family, I've always wanted to adopt an older sibling group from the foster care system. (Or not adopt if they don't wish to be adopted but be their forever parent anyway.) Siblings often get separated and older kids of course are hard to place and I always did well with older kids. My partner is open to this but neither of us is ready right now to become parents again.
Thanks for sharing some of your story with me. I miss our kiddo much especially as I write this book. We are signed up to offer respite now but we haven’t done it yet. I think I’m getting closer to that. I don’t know if we will be ready to foster again but time will tell.
I really enjoyed doing respite. I had one kiddo with me most of the time I was a foster parent and did respite for other kids throughout most of that time.
I'm sure you miss your kiddo tons. If your situation is like mine then we weren't allowed to stay in touch and I missed her and worried about her tons over the years but we reconnected a little bit when she reached adulthood and she's doing great and I'm super proud of her. My worst case scenarios didn't happen.
We all need to reflect on what we will and won't share and which stories are ours to tell.
I will write without censor. I will share with compassion and with the knowledge my relationships with my loved ones matter. Thank you for reminding me about this choice.
Love that Cato continues to be such a part of your journey!!'
She’s hilarious. Thanks for reading and sharing your insight too. I continue to believe and lean towards telling the truth to set you free but I think I remind myself that my writing is not a confessional and I’m allowed to offer myself and others protection if I choose too.
"simplistic stories, stories that suggest that we can “root for the safety and lives and rights of human beings like they are sports teams” are dangerous. (This is a quote from Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s Life is a Sacred Text).
I want to tell a multi-faceted story, a story that offers hope. In telling my story, the story that belongs to me and is mine alone to tell, there may be some things I choose to leave out. I get to do this because it is my story, and I am a human being who breathes, loves and has feelings, and some things cut too close to the jugular. I don’t think I have to bleed myself out to write a story that’s both authentic and valuable to others."
Well, this and the idea of Cato eating the chapter about her. And the fact that you have named your inner monster. And also that your inner monster makes you think—yes to being open to learning from everyone and humanizing even those who do not treat us right. Because we all need to treat one another, and ourselves, better... which leads me back to your point about not going for the jugular. Preserve life.
I have a feeling that even if you said "everything" about "who you really are, and the things you have done, the things you allowed to happen," people would still love you, at the very least the people who can recognize your nuances, your humanity. But also, we can be vulnerable and offer the world so much without having to share out what we (or those around us) are not ready to have out there yet.
Congrats on being so close to being done with your first draft! I hope you find some time to celebrate yourself.
I used to have a t-shirt that said, “Writing well is the best revenge.” 😂
But for real I’ve been thinking about this lately. I wrote a piece in a small writing group recently, just an off-the-cuff thing scribbled in 10 minutes, and after I read it to the group someone said they’d love to see it formed into an essay.
“Oh gosh, I could never! What a shit storm that would start!” I said. “But thank you.”
As I work on my memoir, I will end up sharing some things that will upset some people in my family. But at that point, I will be prepared (theoretically) to endure the shit storm.
Mary, congratulations on swimming along with your beloved shark, Gloria! And more importantly, pushing forward on your memoir : ) So much in what you're wrestling, culling the guidance of your favorite gurus, looking for signposts of the best way to go (TY Kato for your role) ... and at the end of the day, your "gut" is likely the best authority. My only guiding principle for myself is, "Do no harm." Perhaps part of the art is saying the things that are true and necessary from a heart speaking out of compassion??
First of all, totally relate to your “Gloria.” I’ve done some collage art to capture what my inner critic feels/looks like--so good to externalize here but she is definitely persistent about worming her way back in! And i really relate to what you are talking about. My first book of poems, The Beautiful Keeps Breathing, is coming out this spring and feels memoir-esque to me but i am distilling moments and feelings rather than writing a narrative with complex characters. While I also love and have learned so much from Natalie Goldberg’s work, publishing something that has really gone for the jugular does not sit well for me personally. However, i think this has a lot to do with my personality and preferences--i don’t fault and love many authors who do this! Poetry allows me to sidestep these quandaries a bit, but I really relate to tenderness and vulnerability of sharing your work! And i hope you write an essay about your dog eating that chapter!!
Essays about Cato are usually pretty good. I just have to keep them out of her reach. Congrats on your book. That is so exciting. I can’t wait to read it. Is there a place where I can check out some of your work now? I also love folks who bare it all on the page. It is usually the best writing- like Cheryl Strayed. I lean towards truth telling but I think when Gloria and truth telling get mixed up, I’m allowed to set a boundary.
Claire, your poems are beautiful. I love the comfort in your voice. I love the reminder to love ourselves. I wonder if you would be interested in collaborating closer to your book release. Maybe we could have a conversation and highlight your upcoming book here. It’s just a seed of an idea so please don’t feel any pressure. Either way, thanks for letting me read your poems. 🌻
Mary, thank you so much! And yes, I am in the Poetry of Resilience group!! Love that connection. 💕 I am on a much-needed vacation now but would love/be honored/grateful to collaborate with you! Maybe we can find a time to chat in a voile of weeks? So glad to connected.
Words I live by: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." Anne Lamott
I love Anne Lamott. She coined the phrase shitty first drafts which took on a new meaning after Cato ate what I wrote about her.
I laughed out loud at this one, Mary! 😄
Thanks for sharing. I got a good laugh too.
Please tell Cato she doesn't have to eat shitty first drafts. Maybe if she iknows they are just drafts, not for publication, she'll stop eating them. lol
Indeed...WORDs TO LIVE BY. I've never heard of Anne Lamott...but that quote is brilliant. For 45 years I have read only non-fiction...memoirs being my first choice. If I get any hint of embroidery, or holding back facts by the author, I drop the book. Holding back facts can alter the entire story. I want the whole truth ... and nothing but the truth. In my own memoir (online) I wrote the unvarnished truth...which made several people very angry. However, without these participants bad behavior...there would have been no story.
Since I've read so many memoirs, I pay very close attention to news stories about fake memoirs. It is shocking how many writers have made up their stories out of whole cloth, only to be publicly humiliated by the their web of lies. Some of these "memoirs" were very famous.
I think that memoir is deep and true and can be heart-wrenching AND it doesn't have to include every single thing that happened to be that, just as you've expressed. There are things we can hold close to our hearts, things we don't have to share - right now or ever - and beyond that there are so many things that are unsayable, unnameable - that come through in the shadows and between the lines because that is the only way that they can come through.
As a former foster parent who hasn't written a lot about that yet myself, sending so much love and gentleness around the work you're doing. <3
Wow, Kathryn. What a good comment. Can I share this one? Love the And. Love the right now....love the coming through in the shadows. Thanks for your kindness. I didn’t know we had fostering in common and I’m glad I do now. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, of course you can.
I worked in group homes with foster kids and fell in love with one particular child so I became a foster parent with the intention of adopting him ... that didn't work out but I was a foster parent for several years.
I frequently think about doing it again. If I decide to have a family, I've always wanted to adopt an older sibling group from the foster care system. (Or not adopt if they don't wish to be adopted but be their forever parent anyway.) Siblings often get separated and older kids of course are hard to place and I always did well with older kids. My partner is open to this but neither of us is ready right now to become parents again.
Now to figure out how to do that properly. 🤔
<3
Thanks for sharing some of your story with me. I miss our kiddo much especially as I write this book. We are signed up to offer respite now but we haven’t done it yet. I think I’m getting closer to that. I don’t know if we will be ready to foster again but time will tell.
I really enjoyed doing respite. I had one kiddo with me most of the time I was a foster parent and did respite for other kids throughout most of that time.
I'm sure you miss your kiddo tons. If your situation is like mine then we weren't allowed to stay in touch and I missed her and worried about her tons over the years but we reconnected a little bit when she reached adulthood and she's doing great and I'm super proud of her. My worst case scenarios didn't happen.
Congratulations on almost being there.
We all need to reflect on what we will and won't share and which stories are ours to tell.
I will write without censor. I will share with compassion and with the knowledge my relationships with my loved ones matter. Thank you for reminding me about this choice.
Love that Cato continues to be such a part of your journey!!'
She’s hilarious. Thanks for reading and sharing your insight too. I continue to believe and lean towards telling the truth to set you free but I think I remind myself that my writing is not a confessional and I’m allowed to offer myself and others protection if I choose too.
I love all of this, but especially this:
"simplistic stories, stories that suggest that we can “root for the safety and lives and rights of human beings like they are sports teams” are dangerous. (This is a quote from Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg’s Life is a Sacred Text).
I want to tell a multi-faceted story, a story that offers hope. In telling my story, the story that belongs to me and is mine alone to tell, there may be some things I choose to leave out. I get to do this because it is my story, and I am a human being who breathes, loves and has feelings, and some things cut too close to the jugular. I don’t think I have to bleed myself out to write a story that’s both authentic and valuable to others."
Well, this and the idea of Cato eating the chapter about her. And the fact that you have named your inner monster. And also that your inner monster makes you think—yes to being open to learning from everyone and humanizing even those who do not treat us right. Because we all need to treat one another, and ourselves, better... which leads me back to your point about not going for the jugular. Preserve life.
I have a feeling that even if you said "everything" about "who you really are, and the things you have done, the things you allowed to happen," people would still love you, at the very least the people who can recognize your nuances, your humanity. But also, we can be vulnerable and offer the world so much without having to share out what we (or those around us) are not ready to have out there yet.
Congrats on being so close to being done with your first draft! I hope you find some time to celebrate yourself.
I used to have a t-shirt that said, “Writing well is the best revenge.” 😂
But for real I’ve been thinking about this lately. I wrote a piece in a small writing group recently, just an off-the-cuff thing scribbled in 10 minutes, and after I read it to the group someone said they’d love to see it formed into an essay.
“Oh gosh, I could never! What a shit storm that would start!” I said. “But thank you.”
As I work on my memoir, I will end up sharing some things that will upset some people in my family. But at that point, I will be prepared (theoretically) to endure the shit storm.
Looking forward to one day reading your memoir, Mary. Thanks so much for the shout-out, too 😊
Of course. Thank you!
Mary, congratulations on swimming along with your beloved shark, Gloria! And more importantly, pushing forward on your memoir : ) So much in what you're wrestling, culling the guidance of your favorite gurus, looking for signposts of the best way to go (TY Kato for your role) ... and at the end of the day, your "gut" is likely the best authority. My only guiding principle for myself is, "Do no harm." Perhaps part of the art is saying the things that are true and necessary from a heart speaking out of compassion??
Would love to read a draft of your memoir as an accountability partner if you would like to share!
Thanks friend! ❤️
Good on you for doing Nanowrimo. Onward.
First of all, totally relate to your “Gloria.” I’ve done some collage art to capture what my inner critic feels/looks like--so good to externalize here but she is definitely persistent about worming her way back in! And i really relate to what you are talking about. My first book of poems, The Beautiful Keeps Breathing, is coming out this spring and feels memoir-esque to me but i am distilling moments and feelings rather than writing a narrative with complex characters. While I also love and have learned so much from Natalie Goldberg’s work, publishing something that has really gone for the jugular does not sit well for me personally. However, i think this has a lot to do with my personality and preferences--i don’t fault and love many authors who do this! Poetry allows me to sidestep these quandaries a bit, but I really relate to tenderness and vulnerability of sharing your work! And i hope you write an essay about your dog eating that chapter!!
Essays about Cato are usually pretty good. I just have to keep them out of her reach. Congrats on your book. That is so exciting. I can’t wait to read it. Is there a place where I can check out some of your work now? I also love folks who bare it all on the page. It is usually the best writing- like Cheryl Strayed. I lean towards truth telling but I think when Gloria and truth telling get mixed up, I’m allowed to set a boundary.
Haha, yes...got to guard those Cato essays. :) And yes, that is helpful to think about the mix up of Gloria and truth-telling.
Thanks for your congratulations and interest in my book! You can check out links to some of my work here: https://www.clairecoenen.com/poems-and-essays.
Claire, your poems are beautiful. I love the comfort in your voice. I love the reminder to love ourselves. I wonder if you would be interested in collaborating closer to your book release. Maybe we could have a conversation and highlight your upcoming book here. It’s just a seed of an idea so please don’t feel any pressure. Either way, thanks for letting me read your poems. 🌻
Mary, thank you so much! And yes, I am in the Poetry of Resilience group!! Love that connection. 💕 I am on a much-needed vacation now but would love/be honored/grateful to collaborate with you! Maybe we can find a time to chat in a voile of weeks? So glad to connected.
Sounds great. Enjoy your vacation.