Looking Inward and Listening to Ourselves

That Being Said Please Like My Post

Dear Readers,

Thank you for the life-giving conversations last week. After sharing the post with one of my mentors, she wrote to me saying she liked how I was leaning into writing as a way to connect the human experience that leads to wellness. I really appreciated that reframe. My hope is that I can do just that each week. My intention is to offer a sacred space where writing leads to better living.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for subscribing. If you like what you read, and you know someone who you think would also enjoy participating in this community, please share this post with them and invite them to the conversation.

And without further ado… this week’s post

“Close your eyes and open the window of your heart. Only when you have no more need for acceptance will everything you do be accepted.”- Rumi

My first Substack article was about self-love. It was a reflection on how in the past I looked to others for validation, in regard to my body. It was about how, as I age, I am learning to look to myself instead. My first Substack article was about my growth as a human. I am so proud of that growth. Pride, though, does indeed come before the fall. As, dear readers, I must confess, that this proud human started seeking validation the second she published her first post. I kid you not, I was checking those Substack stats as if my life depended on them. How many people are reading? Liking? Commenting? Subscribing? I don’t do Facebook, and while I’m sort of on Instagram, I don’t really understand how it works. I still haven’t figured out how to link a website, share content, or include text that’s actually legible. I was impressed with myself when one of my first Instagram posts included a hashtag. I titled it hashtag grief which both my tween and teen thought was hilarious. I still don’t get the joke. When it comes to social media, I am most definitely holding a flip phone. This Substack experience is my first real foray into this world of social influence, and while on one hand it connects me deeper into the human experience, sharing stories and ideas with new, thoughtful people, on the other hand it disconnects me from myself, reinforcing some of my less than desirable habits that don’t necessarily lead to wellness. I guess when it comes to validation, I’m not done growing.   

So that’s what I’m reflecting on this week. How do we turn our gaze inward rather than outward? How do we look to ourselves for our worth rather than to others, in all areas of our lives? I would love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments.

I wonder if you have heard of Dr. Becky. If your Instagram skills are more masterful than mine, I would imagine you have.  She’s a psychologist/child whisperer with about 800,000 followers on Instagram. Good thing she doesn’t need validation. I’ll be honest, I sometimes find Dr. Becky’s Instagram posts a little overwhelming. That might be because I find everything on Instagram a little overwhelming. I finally asked my millennial friend to show me how to get the posts to slow down long enough so I could actually read them. Prior to that, I kind of thought Instagram was one giant advertisement in hyper speed. Dr. Becky often does her posts while she’s walking the streets of Manhattan. She looks like she has somewhere to go and no time to stop to record her 30 second Instagram post. She tapes herself, selfie style, so her face is coming right at you. She walks fast, talks faster and enunciates a lot. It’s a little intense, especially in hyper speed. The first time I heard her say, “if your child makes a drawing they are proud of, you should NOT say good job,” I was like, come on. The second time, though, as I listened while I walked the streets of Spokane, at a snail’s pace compared to Dr. Becky, I let her words sink in. “When our kids are struggling, our first instinct is to build them back up. But here’s the tricky thing about showering kids with praise in high or low moments: It wires them to look to others for validation, instead of learning to feel at home with themselves.” Can you here the “Hallelujah Chorus”? Dr. Becky is teaching people how to raise children who look inward before looking outward. She’s teaching parents how to raise people who look to themselves rather than others for validation.

 Does Praise Have Unintended Consequences? (goodinside.com)

I’ve linked the episode above. If you are not up for listening to the entire 29 minutes of the podcast because, you, like Dr. Becky have someplace to go, I think the gist is this. When your child comes to you with good or bad news, before responding with some form of praise, pause instead. Ask questions. Encourage them to listen to the voice inside themselves instead of listening to your voice. I tried this with my own kids this week, when Anna performed at an open mic and Seabass shared the results of his math test. Actually, if I’m being honest, I jumped straight to praise after Anna performed, because it was jaw dropping, but then I remembered to pause and ask her how she felt about her performance, how she came up with the ideas for the songs etc. I discovered that pausing and asking questions led not only to them learning to listen to themselves, it also led to good conversation, something every parent seeks with their child.

I wonder if I can do the same for myself. If I can start pausing and asking myself questions after I have created something, rather than immediately seeking praise from others.

“Close your eyes and open the window of your heart. Only when you have no more need for acceptance will everything you do be accepted.”- Rumi

Thanks for sticking with me. Finally, here’s a poem I wrote along the same lines. Huge thanks to my Corbin Arts Center creative writing memoir students and to my daughter Anna for helping me revise this poem.

Truth

Last night, I dream my doctor is examining me

She shines her light into my pupil

Your eyes, she says

are the loveliest hue

I have always thought this

But here was proof

as if someone else speaking it makes it so

as if the truth is less true when it is only my truth

My daughter tells me

she will often say something at the lunch table

and then feel stupid because no one has picked up her words

she thinks she has spoken something wrong or untrue

and perhaps she should discard it along with her sandwich wrapper

as if someone else receiving her words makes them true

as if her truth is less so when it is only her truth

My friend tells me

she recounts her choices, beliefs, decisions

to anyone who will listen

the gas station attendant, the bank teller, the barista

Am I doing the right thing? Am I Selfish? Crazy? Desperate?

as if someone else speaking it makes it not so

as if her truth is less so when it is only her truth

I sit quietly with myself, with my daughter, with my friend

So quiet and close

we can just barely make out

the flapping of wings

the words rising within

Our truth does not depend on their captivity

but rather on their flight

What resonates with you today? What is your experience of looking inward or outward? What are some of your feelings about your relationship with social media? With yourself?  I would love to continue this conversation in the comments. If you are not ready to comment yourself, reading and liking the post and the comments of others is much appreciated.