Zen Butt Goodness

Warning: This Pocket Will Not Be Perfect

Welcome to Pocketful of Prose, a community for sharing stories. As always, links are in bold, and there’s an audio of this pocket if that works better for your life, except for maybe today because I did warn you that this pocket wouldn’t be perfect. This community is growing thanks to some recent photographs I’ve shared of my garden, and I’m so delighted. These pockets are free for everyone, so if you like it here, please share with a friend. You can also support my work by becoming a paid subscriber.

Without further ado, today’s pocket.

Anna is graduating on Sunday, and we are having a celebration at the house for her today, and I want everything to be perfect.

In preparation for a grad party and an empty nest, I’ve been nesting. Every house project I’ve put off for the last 18 years, I’ve decided to do in the last week. It’s going great. Just ask my husband. He started a new job, and he mentioned we might want to save on expenses as we weather this transition. I listened to him and then preceded to buy a dozen pieces of furniture off Wayfair. Dan, because he worked from home during the month of May as his new office wasn’t ready yet, had a front row seat to every box that arrived, and folks, there were so many boxes. The good news is that the Wayfair customer service rep and I are now friends, I’m an expert at putting together cheap furniture, and Dan and I are still married. The house feels cozy too me in a way that I need right now, so I don’t regret the decision to invest in my nest. When I undertook the projects, I knew I would be preparing for a graduation and my daughter leaving, I didn’t also realize I would be welcoming my foster son home after living away from us for more than two and half years. (More on this here). I wonder in some ways if I was building a nest for him.

The cozy nest is helping me through the craziness. Dan traveled for his new job for the first time this week, the week leading up to this party that I wanted to make perfect, and before he returned, we welcomed my parents, the first of five house guests, who will all be staying with us for a week. I’ve been scrambling to get Mateo to and from school and still do my job. Thankfully, I have been at the same school for years, and I work with people who have a heart for kids like Mateo. So many of them have bent over backwards to help me make this transition smoother. It makes me realize that our nest is nestled within such a supportive, loving community, a community we have helped build over the last eight years, a community that is now taking care of us.

I hired a cleaning service for the first time since we moved here. I recognized I needed help with Dan out of town and so much of my time and attention now focused on Mateo. Everything about hiring a cleaning service was amazing, except for the part where after cleaning my house for a few hours, they called and told me they would need reinforcements. It would have been a tad embarrassing, if those things embarrassed me anymore. I’ve read How to Keep House While Drowning, and I’m done being shamed for making a mess while trying to grow people, plants and a meaningful life.

The cleaning service put the final touches on the nest, except for the drawers and closets- don’t look in those- so I was well prepared for a perfect celebration, and yet I was finding that there was still more to do at every turn. I texted a good friend while I was in the thick of it, saying I’m usually able to find my Zen but goodness, by which I meant life is a lot right now, but which made no actual sense.

My friend wrote back, What is Zen Butt Goodness?

This response made me laugh out loud which made everything better. In the nests we build for ourselves, friends for sure are the feathers, the softest, most comforting parts.

So, I’ve decided to give up seeking perfection, and instead I’m going for Zen Butt Goodness. It sounds more akin to what I’ve got going on already, reveling in the messy fat of my life, and feeling grateful if I can find a moment of peace inside of it all.

While making fajitas for my family the other day, I tasted an onion right off the skillet. Just seconds before Mateo had asked if he could have a sautéed onion. I said yes, but told him to plate it and let it cool for a minute, so he wouldn’t get burned. I, of course, ignored my own motherly advice, and I burned my lip on contact. My lip blistered immediately.

Mateo saw my wedding picture a few days ago, and said, “Mom, that’s you and Papa. You look…” I readied myself to revive a compliment. I thought he would tell me I looked beautiful. Instead, he said, “You look so different now.”

I was unbothered by Mateo’s comment. I have grown into myself and my nest in ways I am proud of. I wasn’t expecting to look perfect for the festivities this weekend. I have come a long way in letting go of physical perfection.

I would have liked to look like I don’t have herpes, though.

I apologize if it’s inappropriate to joke about herpes. I know herpes is no joke, but no one wants to look like they have herpes whether they have herpes or not.

But here I am, in the nest that I’ve made for myself, scarred lips and all.

I was feeling a little unsettled by my situation, but my friend, the same one who coined the phrase Zen Butt Goodness, told me fat lips are in.