Really enjoyed reading! And no, your article isn’t shit. But we all shit-talk to ourselves sometimes. My monster’s been more manageable because it’s freed from secrets that shouldn’t have been kept. There are so many ways to get those secrets out. Talk therapy of course. Creative outlets help too. But I try to think of it as an ongoing process.
Also, love your use of children’s books to help frame an idea. Sharing children’s books with my kids inspired me to become a writer. It’s amazing how much they can teach using simple text. And how they perfectly capture good things, like awe, joy, and overcoming a fear of monsters.
Thanks Daphne! I love good children’s books. Reading this one again got me thinking I’d like to do a children’s story time. I love when a book make kids gasp or giggle. It’s the thing I miss most about teaching elementary kids. And yes, a lifelong process!
My monster is a nervous and risk-avoidant bossy child. I think I’ll name them Little One, to diminish them. Or maybe I should hug them, and tell them we are okay now.
My nervous, fear-filled, (probably bossy!) child likes this. And definitely needs/wants a soft lap to snuggle into (good thing mine is plenty soft) and suck her thumb as she feels closely hugged. Little One, indeed. Stay until you feel brave enough to venture out.
As a perfectionist and enneagram 1, I deeply relate to having a Gloria. Steven Pressfield calls this Resistance in his book The War of Art. Good for you for continuing to put forth beauty in the world despite the outer and inner critics.
Thank you Mary for this post, I love the references as well, the Rumi quote has been power for me over the years, and I love how you contextualizes the “conditions for how we welcome the guest/monster”. Also agree with Andrea on The War of Art and add this book .. Art & Fear: Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking -by David Bayles and Ted Orland.
thanks Mary, maybe I should name my monster because I agree there is nothing more paralyzing than an unrealistic standard or an impossible expectation. if you put the kettle on, I will measure out some oolong
I, too, loved this book as a kid, and would SCREAM whenever my mother turned the page. This was a wonderful essay. Even though logically we know this now, our inner child still feels delighted to feel seen when it comes down to our deepest sources of shame.
I do want to note that what you are describing regarding intrusive thoughts is a defining characteristic of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I bring this up not because I think everyone who struggles with intrusive thoughts can or should be formally diagnosed with OCD (I am not a clinician or therapist, to be clear!). But, for some at least, intrusive thoughts MAY indicate OCD, and that diagnosis can lead to life-changing, even life-saving treatment. I say this as someone who has long suffered from OCD and only in recent years was able to put a label on it, and thus seek appropriate treatment for it.
If this piques your interest, a few invaluable resources:
Ah yes I know that voice well. I’ve been toying with what to do with it. Recently I’ve been trying out Elizabeth Gilbert’s tactic - she says she has to hear her fear out every single morning or else it takes over her day. So she journals every morning “Dear Liz, this is your fear. I’m afraid no one likes me..... etc” then she thanks the fear for its concern, wraps it up in a blanket and sticks it in the corner with a mug of hot chocolate. Rather like Rumi’s approach - sits down with it, wraps it in tenderness. I’m trying to figure out if I need this practice daily or if this is a little too much time with it, ya know? But all in all - the practice does de-fang the snake
omggg thank you for the shout out! And you're quite right, I don't give much advice for handling Crit because I don't really have any! I wasn't sure why until I got to the end of your post which explained it really well - any advice I'd have for handling him would involve focusing on him, and the more focus you give the lil idiot, the stronger he becomes.
So its more a 'ah, look whose here - Crit....ok moving on.'
It's funny though, I relate suuuuper hard to all the intrusive thought stuff. I've always had really bad issues with those, because once one popped into my head, i couldn't stop thinking about it and why I'd had it. Which in my case led to OCD. I've done a lot of writing and thinking about it, more of which I should share on both are true, I'm realizing, but with OCD I always think of it as like 'the world's worst detective.' Like, he's got this case that I'm a murderer cause I had one violent thought, and I'm like dude there's no case here like look at all the evidence, to which he just responds "Exactly!" and then brews himself another pot of coffee. I've given him a name - Detective Rinkus. And when he starts going, its helpful for me to just say, 'ok Rinkus, do your thing. You can work on your case over there, I'm not gonna try to get rid of you or anything. (because if I did try to get rid of him he'd say 'ITS A COVER UP! WHY ELSE WOULD YOU NOT LET ME LOOK INTO THE CASE' lol
Detective Rinkus is a great name. I kind of dig this emoji that came up when I wrote detective so I’m leaving it🕵️♀️ Thanks so much for sharing in this space Alex. This is the first time I’ve ever written about my own intrusive thoughts for an audience outside my parents and my husband. Both of those times were long ago, and I felt such shame around my intrusive thoughts that they felt more like confessions, so I resonate big time with the idea of confessing to a crime you didn’t commit. I also connect to the conundrum of what happens when you let the monster in, in this case into your writing. When I think about my intrusive thoughts, when I put them on paper - I do in a way give Gloria a little more space and that little glutton is into it. So this weekend, even though this piece only skimmed the surface of intrusive thoughts, I noticed my intrusive thoughts were surfacing more than they had in awhile, which kind of sucked. So yup, no real advice, only more questions- someone wise said something at some point about there being wisdom in that.
I love this way of managing all the criticism and self doubt we carry. I haven’t yet named me monster but since she absolutely exists, I’m going to find one. Not sure about inviting her in for tea though. :-)
Your post resonates with me this morning, big time. I subscribed to Chuck Palahniuk's Spoiler Alert and now I'm questioning everything I've ever written. I do not want Chuck in my head! The problem is he's a great writer and gives sound advice. So today, he is playing the part of my Monster. I won't let the Monster stop me from writing though.
I’m glad it resonated Sandra. I don’t know who Chuck is and I don’t know that show. However, Chuck is a really good name for a monster unlike Gloria, who is also the name of two of my heroes. Good luck!
Thank you. For a writer, I am terrible at knowing who writes things. Actually, that’s not true. I am terrible at knowing who writes screen plays and who directs movies. I’m decent with writers of books. This is not because I believe books are better, I enjoyed Fight Club very much, it is just a testament to the limited knowledge of what I can hold in my head.
That’s similar to Julia Cameron’s morning pages, I think. Like brain dumping the monster. Like you, I am not sure about every day but some days... needed for sure
Really enjoyed reading! And no, your article isn’t shit. But we all shit-talk to ourselves sometimes. My monster’s been more manageable because it’s freed from secrets that shouldn’t have been kept. There are so many ways to get those secrets out. Talk therapy of course. Creative outlets help too. But I try to think of it as an ongoing process.
Also, love your use of children’s books to help frame an idea. Sharing children’s books with my kids inspired me to become a writer. It’s amazing how much they can teach using simple text. And how they perfectly capture good things, like awe, joy, and overcoming a fear of monsters.
Thanks Daphne! I love good children’s books. Reading this one again got me thinking I’d like to do a children’s story time. I love when a book make kids gasp or giggle. It’s the thing I miss most about teaching elementary kids. And yes, a lifelong process!
My monster is a nervous and risk-avoidant bossy child. I think I’ll name them Little One, to diminish them. Or maybe I should hug them, and tell them we are okay now.
My nervous, fear-filled, (probably bossy!) child likes this. And definitely needs/wants a soft lap to snuggle into (good thing mine is plenty soft) and suck her thumb as she feels closely hugged. Little One, indeed. Stay until you feel brave enough to venture out.
This entire post resonates with me! Beautifully written.
As a perfectionist and enneagram 1, I deeply relate to having a Gloria. Steven Pressfield calls this Resistance in his book The War of Art. Good for you for continuing to put forth beauty in the world despite the outer and inner critics.
I have added that one to the list. Thank you, and same to you.
Thank you Mary for this post, I love the references as well, the Rumi quote has been power for me over the years, and I love how you contextualizes the “conditions for how we welcome the guest/monster”. Also agree with Andrea on The War of Art and add this book .. Art & Fear: Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking -by David Bayles and Ted Orland.
Thanks for joining us in this space Karen and for the book rec. I will put it on my list. I find myself struggling with some of the perils of late.
Every week your post resonates with me. It’s like you’re me, but not.
Best compliment ever!
thanks Mary, maybe I should name my monster because I agree there is nothing more paralyzing than an unrealistic standard or an impossible expectation. if you put the kettle on, I will measure out some oolong
Deal! I can’t take credit for the idea to name my monster. That also belongs to my actual editor. 🤗
I, too, loved this book as a kid, and would SCREAM whenever my mother turned the page. This was a wonderful essay. Even though logically we know this now, our inner child still feels delighted to feel seen when it comes down to our deepest sources of shame.
Same! Loved, loved this book! Thanks for reading!
Thank you, Mary! I feel more prepared to deal with my own monsters now!
Wow, so many comments! Congratulations, Mary!
I do want to note that what you are describing regarding intrusive thoughts is a defining characteristic of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I bring this up not because I think everyone who struggles with intrusive thoughts can or should be formally diagnosed with OCD (I am not a clinician or therapist, to be clear!). But, for some at least, intrusive thoughts MAY indicate OCD, and that diagnosis can lead to life-changing, even life-saving treatment. I say this as someone who has long suffered from OCD and only in recent years was able to put a label on it, and thus seek appropriate treatment for it.
If this piques your interest, a few invaluable resources:
www.iocdf.org
www.treamyocd.com
www.madeofmillions.com
~ Jordana
Ah yes I know that voice well. I’ve been toying with what to do with it. Recently I’ve been trying out Elizabeth Gilbert’s tactic - she says she has to hear her fear out every single morning or else it takes over her day. So she journals every morning “Dear Liz, this is your fear. I’m afraid no one likes me..... etc” then she thanks the fear for its concern, wraps it up in a blanket and sticks it in the corner with a mug of hot chocolate. Rather like Rumi’s approach - sits down with it, wraps it in tenderness. I’m trying to figure out if I need this practice daily or if this is a little too much time with it, ya know? But all in all - the practice does de-fang the snake
omggg thank you for the shout out! And you're quite right, I don't give much advice for handling Crit because I don't really have any! I wasn't sure why until I got to the end of your post which explained it really well - any advice I'd have for handling him would involve focusing on him, and the more focus you give the lil idiot, the stronger he becomes.
So its more a 'ah, look whose here - Crit....ok moving on.'
It's funny though, I relate suuuuper hard to all the intrusive thought stuff. I've always had really bad issues with those, because once one popped into my head, i couldn't stop thinking about it and why I'd had it. Which in my case led to OCD. I've done a lot of writing and thinking about it, more of which I should share on both are true, I'm realizing, but with OCD I always think of it as like 'the world's worst detective.' Like, he's got this case that I'm a murderer cause I had one violent thought, and I'm like dude there's no case here like look at all the evidence, to which he just responds "Exactly!" and then brews himself another pot of coffee. I've given him a name - Detective Rinkus. And when he starts going, its helpful for me to just say, 'ok Rinkus, do your thing. You can work on your case over there, I'm not gonna try to get rid of you or anything. (because if I did try to get rid of him he'd say 'ITS A COVER UP! WHY ELSE WOULD YOU NOT LET ME LOOK INTO THE CASE' lol
Detective Rinkus is a great name. I kind of dig this emoji that came up when I wrote detective so I’m leaving it🕵️♀️ Thanks so much for sharing in this space Alex. This is the first time I’ve ever written about my own intrusive thoughts for an audience outside my parents and my husband. Both of those times were long ago, and I felt such shame around my intrusive thoughts that they felt more like confessions, so I resonate big time with the idea of confessing to a crime you didn’t commit. I also connect to the conundrum of what happens when you let the monster in, in this case into your writing. When I think about my intrusive thoughts, when I put them on paper - I do in a way give Gloria a little more space and that little glutton is into it. So this weekend, even though this piece only skimmed the surface of intrusive thoughts, I noticed my intrusive thoughts were surfacing more than they had in awhile, which kind of sucked. So yup, no real advice, only more questions- someone wise said something at some point about there being wisdom in that.
hahahah hard agree on all these fronts. no answers just more questions that's the game that's the dance
I love this way of managing all the criticism and self doubt we carry. I haven’t yet named me monster but since she absolutely exists, I’m going to find one. Not sure about inviting her in for tea though. :-)
slayyyyyyy
Your post resonates with me this morning, big time. I subscribed to Chuck Palahniuk's Spoiler Alert and now I'm questioning everything I've ever written. I do not want Chuck in my head! The problem is he's a great writer and gives sound advice. So today, he is playing the part of my Monster. I won't let the Monster stop me from writing though.
I’m glad it resonated Sandra. I don’t know who Chuck is and I don’t know that show. However, Chuck is a really good name for a monster unlike Gloria, who is also the name of two of my heroes. Good luck!
Chuck Palahnuik wrote Fight Club, among many other things.
Thank you. For a writer, I am terrible at knowing who writes things. Actually, that’s not true. I am terrible at knowing who writes screen plays and who directs movies. I’m decent with writers of books. This is not because I believe books are better, I enjoyed Fight Club very much, it is just a testament to the limited knowledge of what I can hold in my head.
Fight Club was a book first. Chuck writes books. But none of us can know or remember all the authors! lol
😂
I did say decent- still not great 😂
Thanks for reading Jordana and thanks for sharing.
That’s similar to Julia Cameron’s morning pages, I think. Like brain dumping the monster. Like you, I am not sure about every day but some days... needed for sure